


What Goes Up

by krakens



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Extremely Incidental Vax/Gilmore, Gen, Prank Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 02:56:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14632644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krakens/pseuds/krakens
Summary: Pike suggests playing a prank on Vax. Grog suggests putting a cow in his room.





	What Goes Up

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this back in the 2016 winter break, because it takes me that long to do absolutely anything, so this takes place in an amorphous post-conclave setting where nobody is sad and nothing bad ever happens to Vox Machina again. Thanks for reading!!!

 

Things around Greyskull have been downright _quiet_ since the Conclave went down.

A quiet life should come with the territory of being a holy woman, but Pike’s never been terribly suited to it. She blames her Trickfoot blood. Their family name is an earned one, and it’s never gone a generation unearned.

It’s not that she isn’t _happy_. Just the opposite, really. Seeing everyone settled down, at home and at ease for once in their short and difficult lives, has been a blessing. And rebuilding the Everlight’s temple in Emon has been rewarding work. She should be grateful for the quiet.

But she isn’t. Not exactly.

The Keep has been a little livelier, at least, since Grog’s return from Westruun. The temple had kept her in Emon while he and Keyleth had gone west to help Kerrek rebuild. Keyleth had returned after just a month or two, but Grog had gone in search of the Herd of Storms, and they’d all lost touch with him, briefly. The worry had weighed on her more heavily than she’d realized. But he’s back now – in time for Winter’s Crest, at that, and she can’t help but feel a bit festive.

The two of them are sitting in the dining room at Greyskull when her mischievous mood strikes. She’s leafing through an uninspiring book; he’s sharpening a great axe. The turning of the pages and the soft zinging of metal against whetstone are the only noises in the entire keep, and something about the monotonous repetition of the sounds dulls out as she gets lost in her thoughts.

“Wanna mess with Vax?” she says after a stretch of companionable silence.

“Like a prank?” Grog asks.

“Sure,” Pike says. “What should we do?”

There’s another silence, this one contemplative. She’s been the mastermind of pranks before, but her schemes are oftentimes overworked and prone to failure. She wants to see what kind of thing Grog might come up with.

“Let’s put a cow in his room,” Grog suggests.

Sometimes, Pike thinks with a private smile, there’s nothing more gorgeous than a simple idea.

* * *

It’s surprisingly easy to find a good cow in the makeshift marketplace that’s been erected just outside the walls of Old Emon. The once-scattered populace returned in force after Thordak was slain, and the city is just as bustling as it was the first time Pike visited it, even if the infrastructure is a little worse for wear.

The cow they purchase is cinnamon-brown in color, healthy, and two years old. The merchant promises them she’ll give milk for another six good months. They pay sixteen gold pieces for her, which is perhaps a little bit too much, but it’s Winter’s Crest and Pike’s sure the merchant has a family who will feel the extra money.

“Don’t tell Vex,” Pike murmurs sidelong to Grog as she surrenders the coin.

On the short walk back to the keep, the beast takes an immediate liking to Grog, who has her lead rope wrapped around his hand as casually as one might hold a dog’s leash. The cow bumps its damp nose against his hand until he relents and scratches her behind the ears.

“What should we call her?” Pike asks.

“How about…” Grog begins, sizing up their new friend. “Petunia?”

“That’s perfect,” Pike says, reaching her hand up so Petunia can give her a cow-kiss too.

She should’ve figured they’d get attached before the prank had even begun.

* * *

Reaching the gates of Greyskull, they encounter the first problem with their plan.

Vex and Vax are out of the keep for the day, which is part of the reason Pike chose the rogue as the target of their prank. And if Keyleth and Percy are where they’d left them before heading to the market, they’re holed up in his workshop making some bad idea or another into reality. But Scanlan could be just about anywhere, and she doesn’t want the staff to drum up too much attention by asking questions.

The fewer people who see Petunia, the better.

Unfortunately, even without her plate armor, Pike isn’t the stealthiest of creatures. And having a Goliath and a cow for companions doesn’t help her out much.

Especially since the cow doesn’t want to go up the stairs.

“Can’t you push her butt?” Pike asks, craning her neck to see Grog over Petunia’s shoulder. They’ve got her up a half-flight of stairs, but the next set curves along the circular tower wall and will probably be even more of a challenge. Besides which, the hallway was not made with clearance for a cow in mind, and they can’t get around her. Pike’s trapped in front and Grog’s trapped behind.

“I’m trying,” Grog says, sounding fairly strained for his part. “She doesn’t want to move.”

Petunia moos plaintively to punctuate this sentiment.

“Okay,” Pike says, taking a step up the staircase and running a hand through her hair. There has to be a better way to come at this, she thinks.

Before she comes up with any good ideas, they’re interrupted by a deliberate cough from the staircase landing. Pike wheels around, and she’s sure she’s a sight to behold: eyes wide and abashed, hair mussed from exertion, cow standing behind her looking deeply wronged.

“What’s going on here?” Scanlan asks in that same I-don’t-really-wanna-know tone of voice Pike’s always using on him.

Tables, turned.

“Uhm,” Pike says.

“Cow won’t go upstairs,” Grog grumbles, giving her another mighty push.

“She won’t go up the stairs, yeah,” Pike agrees after a second.

“Okay…” Scanlan says, joining her on the staircase. “Dare I ask where you’re taking the cow?”

Another guilty beat of silence elapses.

“Vax’s room,” Pike admits.

“I’ll help,” Scanlan says immediately.

* * *

They polymorph the cow into a rabbit, which is such an elegant solution to their problem that Pike almost regrets not involving Scanlan from the get-go.

Almost.

Once they’re in Vax’s room, Pike puts bunny-Petunia down on the carpet.

“Okay,” she says. “Drop the spell.”

“Well, step back first,” Scanlan suggest, and Pike complies. “Further,” he prompts. She steps back. “Further, Pike. It’s a giant cow.”

Pike rolls her eyes and backs up into the door. “Go on,” she says.

“Alright,” Scanlan says, and he drops the spell.

Vax’s room is spacious, and even with all three of them in there already, there’s plenty of room for Petunia. Watching her get unpolymorphed is underwhelming at best.

“Huh,” Scanlan says. “She looked bigger in the stairway.”

“We weren’t going for size,” Pike says.

“If you’re going for effect you _always_ go for size,” Scanlan says.

His remark is summarily ignored as Pike considers the cow and the cow considers the room. She looks like she’s looking for a snack. They should probably feed her, and…

“What if she goes to the bathroom in here?” Pike asks, belatedly realizing the many, many ways this prank could backfire.

Grog just gives her a blank look. “That’s not the point?”

Pike closes her eyes and tries not to laugh. She’s been walking into easy traps all day.

* * *

The _next_ issue arises when Vex comes home without her brother in tow. Pike, Grog, and Scanlan are sitting in the dining room when she comes in alone, and a pregnant silence falls over them as they wait for Vax to turn up as well.

“Where’s Vax?” Pike asks when he doesn’t, attempting innocence. If Vex notices her off-kilter behavior, she doesn’t say anything.

“He’s meeting Gilmore in town,” Vex says, stripping off her gloves and shaking out her snow-damp hair like a dog. “Why?”

“Just wondering,” Pike says, exchanging a glance with Scanlan across the dining room table. “… do you know if he’ll be back tonight?”

“What? Yes, of course,” Vex says, wholly affronted. “I mean… I don’t know. Ew. Gross,” she continues as she walks out of the room.

“There’s no way he’s coming back tonight,” Scanlan says after she’s gone.

“What do cows eat?” Grog asks.

It’s going to be a long night.

* * *

Vax comes back during breakfast the next morning, tosses a bag of sticky pastries he brought from town on the table, and immediately heads up to his room. Vex and Keyleth attack the sweet rolls immediately, and Grog takes one when offered, but Pike is nearly trembling in anticipation. She tries not to notice the way Scanlan smiles into his coffee.

And, honestly? All the hassle is worth it to see Vax wander back into the dining room, brow knit in comical disbelief. And doubly worth it to hear him quietly announce:

“There’s a cow in my bedroom.”

“What?” Vex asks, more disinterested than disbelieving.

“There’s a _cow_ in my _bedroom_ ,” he repeats more firmly.

For a second, the entire table is silent. Then, several people speak at once:

“I wanna see it!” Keyleth exclaims, pushing her chair back so quickly that she knocks into Laina (who, to her credit, does not drop a single dish).

“How did a cow get into your room?” Vex asks, sounding accusatory, of all things.

“That’s weird,” Scanlan says in a convincing performance that makes it seem as if Vax only said his favorite pair of socks were missing.

“Do we have a cow?” Percy asks, which hardly seems like it should be the priority.

Even though Keyleth is leading the charge, they all get up to go look at the cow. Pike and Grog take up the rear, and he offers her a covert high-five as they follow the noisy procession upstairs.

* * *

After some unnecessary discussion about how implausible it is that a cow got into Vax’s room, Vox Machina sets about the very simple task of removing it.

It goes… very, very badly. Somehow even worse than getting her up the stairs in the first place. And while it’s true that she, Grog, and Scanlan are _definitely_ not helping, Pike still quietly marvels at the fact that her friends seem to get less adept at problem-solving the more they put their heads together.

Petunia isn’t being accommodating, either. As Vex tries to tie a length of rope around Petunia’s neck, the creature sits down on her haunches like a dog.

“Do not,” Vex scolds, like a homely old grandmother.

Petunia lays down.

Grog really couldn’t have picked a better cow for an accomplice.

“Let’s just lure her down the stairs with some…” Vax trails off. “I don’t know. Carrots?”

“They can’t go down stairs,” Keyleth says as the twins immediately erupt into a loud argument about what cows eat. “They can only go up.”

“That’s a myth, actually,” Percy notes to her in a quiet aside.

“ _Then make her go down the stairs, Percy_ ,” Keyleth whispers with such irritation and challenge that Pike desperately wishes the rest of the group had heard, which she’s pretty sure they didn’t.

* * *

Eventually, the twins find a turnip, which Laina has assured them is a favored treat of all the cows she’s ever known. But Petunia will not follow them even into the hallway, and Vex eventually relents and gives her the turnip anyway.

As she chomps on her lunch, the rest of the group plans. The more they plan, the worse their ideas get, and everyone’s getting so frustrated that Pike almost caves.

“Maybe we should—” she begins to say to Scanlan.

“Let them finish,” he insists.

What they’ve landed on in this moment is the idea that it might help if Keyleth turns into a cow and tries to communicate with Petunia that way. Then, she reasons, she can demonstrate that cows _can_ go down stairs and Petunia has _nothing_ to be afraid of.

“I don’t see how a second cow is going to improve the situation,” Percy finally says after everyone has humored Keyleth to the logical conclusion of her idea.

“Wait,” Keyleth says. “Duh. I can just talk to her.”

Pike tosses a frightened glance Scanlan’s way.

“Maybe,” he says as Keyleth casts her spell and asks Petunia a series of simple questions. “We should hire the Clasp to get the cow out of our castle.”

But this bad idea has no time to gain purchase.

“She says Pike put her in here,” Keyleth relates.

“Uhhhhhm,” Pike says, feeling the full force of the twins’ combo scrutiny. The gig is definitely up.

“That cow is a _liar_ ,” says Grog.

Vax bursts out laughing.

* * *

Even with Keyleth coaching her, Petunia does not want to go down the stairs. It takes everyone else two hours and twenty-six minutes to ask Scanlan to polymorph the cow into something more manageable in size. He does not offer his services freely.

* * *

Petunia settles in to the stables quickly, happier with these accommodations than she had been in Vax’s room. Pike visits her down there just as the sun is setting. It’s just started snowing, too, which is appropriate. They’ll have  a white Winter’s Crest morning.

She stays down there with Petunia a little longer than she means to, and eventually Grog comes out and hands her a flask of hot chocolate.

“Is Vax very mad at you?” Pike asks as she sips at it.

“Eh,” Grog says. “He might do another prank. Let him try.”

A prank war is a dangerous proposition, but she’s glad they most they have to risk in the coming weeks is Grog’s beard and cow antics. They deserve a war with lower stakes.

“Thanks for hanging out with me,” she says. She means right now, in the cold damp stable when there’s a warm fire inside, but he seems to mistake her meaning for the last couple days.

“That was a pretty good prank, huh?” Grog says.

“Yeah, I think so,” Pike says. “And we got a new friend.”

“Yeah,” Grog says as he kneels down so Petunia can give him a cow-kiss. “Yeah, we did.”

She leans her head on his shoulder. “Happy Winter’s Crest, Grog.”

“Happy Winter’s Crest, Pike.”


End file.
